Well, as most of you know, through facebook, Nate's "Gotcha Day" was Monday, June 25. Incidentally, Marc and I have always wanted to change the name of this monumental day but haven't landed on anything. "Gotcha!" just reminds me of something you yell when you're sneaking up to scare a child. Maybe we'll call it, "Family Day", "Homecoming Day", or more appropriately "Blow My Mind with a Supernatural, Love at First Sight, When You Hand Me This Baby I've Never Laid Eyes on Before Day." Or something similar, because that's what happened. My mind is officially blown. I've thought about it a lot. How can this be? How can I love this little person so fiercely, so quickly? I've heard from my friends that its the same when you give birth. It was the same with Sophie, but different. With Sophie, I was a little distracted with the anxiety of being a first time mom. Love and excitement mingled with a lot of fear and worry that I wouldn't do it right, etc. But, the love came so naturally. Now I know that this isn't the case with everyone, but, here, in this house, our cup runneth over.
Now, about Nate. Not sure if there is a baby on the face of the earth with a sweeter smile and giggle. He does this incredibly adorable thing where he tilts his head to the left and smiles his big, toothless smile. He has a very sweet disposition. He loves to snuggle, much to his mother's enjoyment. He's so easy to enjoy. We have continued to have some intestinal issues but we'll hopefully get those under control soon. We are scheduled to have our post-adoption interview in Bangkok next week so we'll visit an international hospital there to get a second opinion.
Now, this is not to say that we haven't had a few difficult days. Sophie has had her moments of jealousy and general discontentment that she isn't the sole object of her Mommy's and Daddy's attention. But, over all, she is really loving and embracing the newest member of our family.
Marc has been so great in helping me around the house, allowing me to "ease into" being the mother of two.
And I may or may not have had a small meltdown the other day. It really wasn't about Nate though, it was about me being old. I had a small pity party as I had to carry my old, decrepit body to the doctor because my back was full of muscle spasms. Turns out, holding a 14 lb. baby with one arm all day long, when you already have back problems can create some pain. I got my first ever cortisone shot. As I rode home on a tuk-tuk (for which I was grossly overcharged), tears streamed down my face. One, I was in a considerable amount of pain, but two, I was sad that I wasn't holding my sweet baby boy with a 27 year old back. I know this is silly. I'm not THAT old. But, that's just the way I felt. PMS did have a significant role in the emotions on that day but I've learned over the last few years that hormones don't create our negative emotions, they just make it a little more difficult to control them. So, on a normal day I probably could have quickly rejected those sad, "woe is me" thoughts, but on this day I ended up swimming in them a little.
The truth of the matter is, I didn't start having kids when I wanted. I wanted kids at 25 years old. We tried and tried and tried. And I cried and cried and cried. That's when you're "supposed" to have children- when you're young and vibrant and your back is strong. Well, God had other plans.
Well, what ended up happening after I finally arrived home, is that I walked into my bedroom where Marc was reading and fell on the bed beside him. I instantly burst into sobs and tried to relay everything I was thinking to this poor man. I'm not even half way through before I start laughing. I knew hormones were involved when I started ranting about paying 120 baht for a 6 mile tuk-tuk ride. Ultimately, I was sleep deprived, in pain, suffering from a poorly maintained spiritual life and had just undergone a huge life change (albeit a wonderful one). But what resulted from that meltdown was a renewed hunger for God and His Word. Later that afternoon I stood in the kitchen holding Nate and sang, through tears, "I Need Thee Every Hour".
Yes, God had other plans for our lives. Plans that are so much greater than anything I could ever come up with. I could never pick three other people I would rather spend my life with. I need to be reminded over and over and over, that if starting a family had been in my timing, I would not have these two gems as my children. See, their birthdays were penned on God's epic calendar before the foundation of the world. Any earlier or any later and it would have all been different. God is worthy of my trust, and my future joy is dependent on it.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing all this. Initially I just wanted to give a little update on my little Prince Charming. But every once in while I just need to "let it all hang out". The reality is that I very well may have back pain until the day I die. So, I need to let 2 Corinthians 12:9 be my constant friend,
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."And cling closely to 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. "God is renewing me through His Word. He has graciously "redeemed my life from the pit" (Ps. 103) by the blood of Jesus and has promised me eternity with Him but He's also saving me everyday- from myself. In spite of my sin and propensity to wander, He pours out blessing after blessing. That is grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for my babies- all three of them :-)